Much Respect

I went out to dinner the other night with my two kids. A three and a half year old and a one year old waiting to be fed, in a pent-up environment where they are allowed to touch exactly nothing, is not a stress-free affair. Especially if you happen to be the waitstaff.

Why put yourself and other diners through it then, you ask? Ah, my friend, I've got a secret weapon, affectionately known as boobies, in my house. They rapidly bring peace to nearly any explosive situation.

The wee ones were getting antsy, copious amounts of water, sugar and salt had been spilled, and the youngest was crying. He needed his milky. Almost four years into my breastfeeding career, I don't give a second thought to breastfeeding in public.

I've breastfed nearly everywhere I've ever been (I wrote about my first time breastfeeding in public here).

A number of mama websites and blogs I frequent often talk about the need to normalize breastfeeding by doing it in public. I'm not talking about being showy, just feeding the babes when and where they are hungry. Everyday, across the country, women are harassed, shamed, ridiculed and ostracized for feeding their babies in the most natural and healthy way known to humans.

This has never happened to me. I don't usually worry about it. In fact, I've had several instances where strangers have actually supported my breastfeeding in public (my favorite instance is described here).

Every once in a while though, especially if I'm in a new place, and there aren't many kids and by extension parents, around, it crosses my mind that someone might say something to me about breastfeeding in public.

Well, it happened the other night at dinner. As the baby fussed, I began to feed him. The couple sitting at the next table, who were obviously on a date, glanced in my direction. Their faces told me something was up. I thought, "Great, here it comes." The man then reached out and lightly touched my arm. He said, and I quote, "Much respect." He went on to say that in his country women breastfeed in public all the time, but he doesn't see women doing it here in the US. "Why?" he asked, "Is it because there are so many hangups with women's bodies?" He might be on to something.

This was too good not to share. Thank you to everyone out there supporting all mothers feeding their babies. And, to all the mamas who nourish their babies' bodies and souls everyday, however they feed them: Much respect.

Has a stranger ever made a comment to you as you fed your baby?

Photo credit: author

Don't cry!

Will you do some guided imagery with me for a moment? Come on, just play along. Please? Okay, close your eyes and imagine you just had an awful day at work {insert some relevant scenario here}. You go out to your car and it doesn't start! You left some minuscule interior light on and the battery is dead. To top it all off, you left your cell phone God knows where, so you can't call anyone for help. A stranger appears who offers to give you a jump start, so you make it home, albeit an hour late. Now, dinner must be made, while the kids fuss and ask umpteen times for some ridiculous thing.

You may open your eyes now. How are you feeling? Can we all agree that you might just be on the verge of a meltdown, which may or may not involve crying? Now imagine, your spouse/loved one/best friend/family member, or even the helpful stranger from the parking lot walks in the door and finds you in a heap. You begin to feel hopeful that this living nightmare is about to end and that you will get the love and support you need. But, nope. His/her response is to bark, "Don't cry!"in a most unhelpful tone.

Now, you feel better, right? And, you stop crying immediately, cuz ya feel so dang good!

My son started preschool last week. It's a public elementary school in which instruction takes place in two languages. There are over four hundred children in the building. Many of the preschoolers only understand one of the languages being spoken. For some, it is their first time away from their parents and/or caregivers.

During the first week of school, some of the children were having a kid-version of the bad day we imagined above. Many had no idea what was going on, in whose care they were being left and when the hellishness would end. Some were crying. While it didn't surprise me, it did disappoint me, that almost every adult's reaction to the crying was to loudly order each and every child to "STOP CRYING!"

I'm not holier than thou. I have uttered these words. In this situation it was just so strikingly obvious and heart breaking how this is not the reaction a child needs when they are in distress.

I mean, think about it. Leaving out empathy, meeting a child's needs and the like as reasons not to respond in this fashion, what is the success rate of this strategy? I offer that unless the child who is crying is very scared of the adult who issues the order to stop (which is fodder for another post), the success rate hovers close to nadir.

Why do we do it, then? I believe there are a number of reasons. One, is that is is painful and stressful for adults to hear children in distress, so we want it to stop. Now. Two, is that it can become annoying and get in the way of our agenda/time table. And three, we live in a culture where most adults expect instant compliance with their orders, no matter how unfeasible.

The same logic applies to a child who is crying because he is hurt. Can you imagine if you were in pain from an injury and someone said to you, "That didn't hurt. You're alright. You don't need to cry."  Just because we don't think something SHOULD hurt, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt the child, or that she doesn't feel the need for some love and attention. I would seriously dislike anyone who tried to tell me I was alright, when I didn't feel alright, or what did or did not hurt my body or my soul.

Next time you (or I) have the urge to say, "Don't cry!" or "Stop crying!" or "You're alright!" I suggest we think about what might actually be helpful to the child (such as asking if he is alright, a hug, giving information about what is happening, just spending time with and staying close to the child). Although these things may take a bit longer, I think we'll find they have a much higher success rate for making the crying stop. In addition, they will help her feel loved, safe and able to tackle more challenges that lay ahead.

How do you help a crying child?

Photo credit: Binu Kumar